Funny Wedding Readings

Some weddings are traditional, solemn affairs. But if you and your spouse to be don’t do the whole “reverent” or “sanctimonious” thing, that’s perfectly okay by us. There’s nothing wrong with adding a little--or a lot--of levity to the proceedings. Just swap out the over-used Bible verses on love with a few of these humorous, but still thought-provoking, quotes.

"I Rely on You," by Hovis Presley
I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you.

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." -- Rita Rudner

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. -- George Burns

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. -- Lemony Snicket

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash. -- Jarod Kintz

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. -- Erma Bombeck

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times. -- Rita Rudner

"I Wanna be Yours" by John Cooper Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust,
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust,
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot,
You call the shots,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days,
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away,
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere,
I don’t care,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out,
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without,
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion,
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion.

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.
Why is this?
Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems – the ones that make you truly who you are – that you’re ready to find a life-long mate.
Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person – someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” -- Andrew Boyd

A Sample Wedding Sermon

With the growing trend of couples asking a friend to be an officiant, the odds are higher than they used to be that you’ll be asked to perform the service for one of your buddies. When that day comes, there are plenty of resources online to help you structure the ceremony, tell you what to do in what order, that sort of thing. But what they can’t tell you is what to say before the ceremony proper begins.

When I was called on to officiate a friend’s wedding, we realized that without some kind of introduction--the secular equivalent of a sermon--the whole ceremony would last less time than it took for the guests to get seated. So I sat down and wrote a message to deliver on the day. If you get tapped to be an officiant, you can use this as inspiration, or a template, or a cautionary tale of what not to do. Just make sure to run whatever you write by the bride and groom before the ceremony, and you’ll be good to go.

A few weeks before the wedding day, I asked the couple what love meant to both of them. Sam said, “She makes me a better person, because I try to be a better person for her.”

Rachael said, “We've helped each other grow and become who we are today, and will continue to grow with each other to become what we will be tomorrow. We have come to unconditional love.”

Sam and Rachael have come to unconditional love. They’ve build a home together with one another.

Next, I asked what marriage meant to them, and they both had the same answer (which is for the best): It’s just a public profession of what already is there. They don’t think it will change anything.

Now, I won't argue whether marriage changes something or what importance to place on it. But for me it was like this:

I've lived in a lot of places since moving out of my parent's house.

I've rented a lot of apartments.

You wake up, you eat, sleep, you have routines in that place.

And it feels like home.

And when you buy a house, it's the same thing, really. You don't anticipate any change. You do the same things you always do.

Then you stand late at night in the living room and you think, "Mine. This is mine."

I submit that marriage is changing your rent into a mortgage. Even if you were in a 50-year-lease before, it's something exciting and new.

When I married my wife, when we left the beach where we got married, I looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both thought, "This is ours."

So maybe your mileage will vary on this. But please, do this: tonight, look into your partner's eyes, and in your mind, say "Mine." And say "Ours."'

And I'm sure you've done that very thing before. You may be doing it now. But I hope you feel even a fraction of that sudden rush we felt.

Welcome home.

5 Long-Form Wedding Readings

For your wedding ceremony, odds are you’re writing your own vows and may even have customized the proceedings with your officiant. But there comes a time in any wedding ceremony when it’s good to let someone else’s words take over for a bit. When you hit that special moment in your ceremony, any of these long-form passages about love will add luster to your special day.

“"Benediction of the Apaches"
"Now you will feel no rain,
For each of you will be shelter to the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
For each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there is no more loneliness for you.
For each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two bodies,
But there is only one Life before you.
Go now to your dwelling place,
To enter into the days of your togetherness.
And may your days be good and long upon the earth"

“On Marriage
Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
- The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

“Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person,
With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body…
Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
Who won’t hold them against me,
Who loves me when I’m unlikable,
Who sees the small child in me, and
Who looks for the divine potential of me…
Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night
With someone who thanks God for me,
With someone I feel blessed to hold…
Because marriage means opportunity
To grow in love, in friendship…
Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements…
Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole…
Because, knowing this,
I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me,
I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage…
Because with this understanding
The possibilities are limitless.” “Why Marriage,”
- Dena Acolatse

“You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way. All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks — all those sentences that began with "When we're married" and continued with "I will and you will and we will"- those late night talks that included "someday" and "somehow" and "maybe"- and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding. The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, " You know all those things we've promised and hoped and dreamed- well, I meant it all, every word." Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another- acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this- is my husband, this- is my wife.”
- Union, Robert Fulghum

“Marriage is a commitment to life, the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.
Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. And there may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.
Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.

Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life. When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves, which binds them, closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfill.” “Marriage Joins Two People in the Circle of Love,”
-Edmund O’Neill