Funny Wedding Readings

Some weddings are traditional, solemn affairs. But if you and your spouse to be don’t do the whole “reverent” or “sanctimonious” thing, that’s perfectly okay by us. There’s nothing wrong with adding a little--or a lot--of levity to the proceedings. Just swap out the over-used Bible verses on love with a few of these humorous, but still thought-provoking, quotes.

"I Rely on You," by Hovis Presley
I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you.

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." -- Rita Rudner

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. -- George Burns

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. -- Lemony Snicket

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash. -- Jarod Kintz

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. -- Erma Bombeck

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times. -- Rita Rudner

"I Wanna be Yours" by John Cooper Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust,
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust,
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot,
You call the shots,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days,
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away,
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere,
I don’t care,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out,
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without,
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion,
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion.

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.
Why is this?
Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems – the ones that make you truly who you are – that you’re ready to find a life-long mate.
Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person – someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” -- Andrew Boyd