Some Honest Wedding Advice

For the purposes of this article, let’s say that we get plenty of email from people who are planning a wedding, seeking our sage advice on everything from selecting music to tactfully telling someone they’re not invited. Most of the time, we just ignore those emails, because we don’t usually do an advice column. But now we’ve finally taken pity on the actual real people who totally sent in these questions, and decided to print our very first wedding advice column. Read on to get told.

Q: Can I have my female friend be my best man? How does that work?
Absolutely! You can have a best woman/lady/girl if the mood strikes you, just as you can certainly have a Man of Honor if you’d like to. If the bro who’s been there for you through thick and thin is actually a sis, you shouldn’t hesitate putting her on the groomsmen side of the wedding party. We’ve seen Best Women dress in the same tuxedo the groomsmen are wearing, dress like the bridesmaids but stand on the groom’s side, or just wear a stylish dress that matches the wedding colors. But yes, definitely go for it.

Q: Can I wear white even if I don’t “deserve to?”
Who exactly is going to be checking whether or not you “deserve” to? Honestly, this is a tradition that just doesn’t have any place in a 2015 wedding. If you’ve slept with no one or everyone, it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own. So go ahead and wear white. Wear yellow. Wear red! You do you.

Q: Do I HAVE to invite kids to my wedding?
Well, of course not. It’s your wedding; you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Grandma and Grandpa would slow the reception party down? Don’t invite them! Little sister’s a better dancer than you and makes you look bad on the dance floor? Don’t invite her! Don’t like kids? Leave them off the guest list! It’s your day.

On the other hand, though, it’s also a day for your friends and relatives to gather around you and celebrate you. Are there people on your guest list who would have trouble getting child care, but that you would definitely miss if they didn’t show? If the answer’s yes, then you might have to overcome your fear of children and have the little tykes attend. If your budget allows, just hire a babysitting service to take care of the kids while the adults get down. It’s your day--but do not overlook the other people, too.

Q: Do I HAVE to do a bouquet or garter toss?
Oh, heavens no; especially not the garter toss. Plenty of brides are opting out of both of these antiquated traditions. There’s just something about throwing flowers so single women can make a mad scramble to pick them up that seems demeaning, somehow. And while we all can agree that the groom should take the bride’s clothes off on the wedding night, he doesn’t have to get a head start at the reception. We say pack up both of those old traditions and replace them with something everyone can enjoy, like more time to hit the open bar.

We hope you enjoyed the first installment of our advice column. We’ll be back with another after we’ve had time to collect another vast and totally real selection of email messages from readers like you.

Funny Wedding Readings

Some weddings are traditional, solemn affairs. But if you and your spouse to be don’t do the whole “reverent” or “sanctimonious” thing, that’s perfectly okay by us. There’s nothing wrong with adding a little--or a lot--of levity to the proceedings. Just swap out the over-used Bible verses on love with a few of these humorous, but still thought-provoking, quotes.

"I Rely on You," by Hovis Presley
I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you.

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." -- Rita Rudner

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. -- George Burns

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. -- Lemony Snicket

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash. -- Jarod Kintz

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. -- Erma Bombeck

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times. -- Rita Rudner

"I Wanna be Yours" by John Cooper Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust,
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust,
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot,
You call the shots,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days,
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away,
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere,
I don’t care,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out,
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without,
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion,
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion.

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.
Why is this?
Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems – the ones that make you truly who you are – that you’re ready to find a life-long mate.
Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person – someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” -- Andrew Boyd