Some Honest Wedding Advice

For the purposes of this article, let’s say that we get plenty of email from people who are planning a wedding, seeking our sage advice on everything from selecting music to tactfully telling someone they’re not invited. Most of the time, we just ignore those emails, because we don’t usually do an advice column. But now we’ve finally taken pity on the actual real people who totally sent in these questions, and decided to print our very first wedding advice column. Read on to get told.

Q: Can I have my female friend be my best man? How does that work?
Absolutely! You can have a best woman/lady/girl if the mood strikes you, just as you can certainly have a Man of Honor if you’d like to. If the bro who’s been there for you through thick and thin is actually a sis, you shouldn’t hesitate putting her on the groomsmen side of the wedding party. We’ve seen Best Women dress in the same tuxedo the groomsmen are wearing, dress like the bridesmaids but stand on the groom’s side, or just wear a stylish dress that matches the wedding colors. But yes, definitely go for it.

Q: Can I wear white even if I don’t “deserve to?”
Who exactly is going to be checking whether or not you “deserve” to? Honestly, this is a tradition that just doesn’t have any place in a 2015 wedding. If you’ve slept with no one or everyone, it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own. So go ahead and wear white. Wear yellow. Wear red! You do you.

Q: Do I HAVE to invite kids to my wedding?
Well, of course not. It’s your wedding; you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Grandma and Grandpa would slow the reception party down? Don’t invite them! Little sister’s a better dancer than you and makes you look bad on the dance floor? Don’t invite her! Don’t like kids? Leave them off the guest list! It’s your day.

On the other hand, though, it’s also a day for your friends and relatives to gather around you and celebrate you. Are there people on your guest list who would have trouble getting child care, but that you would definitely miss if they didn’t show? If the answer’s yes, then you might have to overcome your fear of children and have the little tykes attend. If your budget allows, just hire a babysitting service to take care of the kids while the adults get down. It’s your day--but do not overlook the other people, too.

Q: Do I HAVE to do a bouquet or garter toss?
Oh, heavens no; especially not the garter toss. Plenty of brides are opting out of both of these antiquated traditions. There’s just something about throwing flowers so single women can make a mad scramble to pick them up that seems demeaning, somehow. And while we all can agree that the groom should take the bride’s clothes off on the wedding night, he doesn’t have to get a head start at the reception. We say pack up both of those old traditions and replace them with something everyone can enjoy, like more time to hit the open bar.

We hope you enjoyed the first installment of our advice column. We’ll be back with another after we’ve had time to collect another vast and totally real selection of email messages from readers like you.

Funny Wedding Readings

Some weddings are traditional, solemn affairs. But if you and your spouse to be don’t do the whole “reverent” or “sanctimonious” thing, that’s perfectly okay by us. There’s nothing wrong with adding a little--or a lot--of levity to the proceedings. Just swap out the over-used Bible verses on love with a few of these humorous, but still thought-provoking, quotes.

"I Rely on You," by Hovis Presley
I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you.

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." -- Rita Rudner

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. -- George Burns

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. -- Lemony Snicket

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash. -- Jarod Kintz

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. -- Erma Bombeck

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times. -- Rita Rudner

"I Wanna be Yours" by John Cooper Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust,
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust,
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot,
You call the shots,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days,
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away,
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere,
I don’t care,
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out,
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without,
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion,
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion.

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.
Why is this?
Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems – the ones that make you truly who you are – that you’re ready to find a life-long mate.
Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person – someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” -- Andrew Boyd

Where to Buy Wedding Sparklers in Maryland

Maryland is a state with many different facets and a wide variety of different areas. From the large cities such as Baltimore and Annapolis to the rural farming areas throughout the state, Maryland is truly a melting pot of every culture that one could imagine. With such as diverse and large population of people, Maryland is also home to tens of thousands of weddings each year. On top of the cities that lie within Maryland’s borders, it is also the neighbor to another large population center; Washington D.C. This means that people from D.C. also flock to the less-political areas of Maryland to have their wedding which makes it a prime target for destination weddings as well.

Furthermore, since the primary US Naval Academy resides in Maryland, there are thousands of military weddings held their each year. Military personnel make up a huge segment of the economy in Maryland, and they also get married at a much higher rate than regular US citizens. Since sparklers are very patriotic and included in many military weddings, finding out where to buy wedding sparklers in Maryland is a hot-button issue on many couple’s minds. Fortunately, the laws in Maryland are much more accommodating to couples who want to include sparklers in their ceremony than some other states in our union, but there are still things you need to consider. Here is everything that you need to know.

Local Laws

One of the most important things that you need to be aware of before you decide where to buy wedding sparklers in Maryland is that there are actually laws governing what type of sparklers you can use. The Maryland fireworks laws are very clear that only sparklers containing no chlorates or perchlorates are allowed to be used and not all sparklers fit these criteria. Fortunately, there are plenty of online shops that offer sparklers which contain no chlorates or perchlorates so you can legally use them without fear of hurting the environment or receiving a fine at your wedding.

Venue Restrictions

On top of the local laws that restrict the type of sparklers that you’re allowed to use, many wedding venues have their own restrictions. For instance, if you choose an outdoor wedding venue, you likely will be able to use them without any issues. However, if your wedding venue is indoors, you may need to get special permission to use sparklers or they may be prohibited all together. If you’re having your wedding on the military base, you should be able to use sparklers as part of your ceremony; but you’ll definitely need permission from your commanding officer. Just make sure you check with your venue before you run out and buy wedding sparklers to avoid any potential hang-ups.

One of the biggest benefits of having your wedding in Maryland is that the laws allow you to do things that many other states prohibit. With that said, you need to check the local laws and the restrictions at your wedding venue before you seek out where to buy wedding sparklers in Maryland to ensure you have a fun, safe, and lawful wedding day experience.

A Sample Wedding Sermon

With the growing trend of couples asking a friend to be an officiant, the odds are higher than they used to be that you’ll be asked to perform the service for one of your buddies. When that day comes, there are plenty of resources online to help you structure the ceremony, tell you what to do in what order, that sort of thing. But what they can’t tell you is what to say before the ceremony proper begins.

When I was called on to officiate a friend’s wedding, we realized that without some kind of introduction--the secular equivalent of a sermon--the whole ceremony would last less time than it took for the guests to get seated. So I sat down and wrote a message to deliver on the day. If you get tapped to be an officiant, you can use this as inspiration, or a template, or a cautionary tale of what not to do. Just make sure to run whatever you write by the bride and groom before the ceremony, and you’ll be good to go.

A few weeks before the wedding day, I asked the couple what love meant to both of them. Sam said, “She makes me a better person, because I try to be a better person for her.”

Rachael said, “We've helped each other grow and become who we are today, and will continue to grow with each other to become what we will be tomorrow. We have come to unconditional love.”

Sam and Rachael have come to unconditional love. They’ve build a home together with one another.

Next, I asked what marriage meant to them, and they both had the same answer (which is for the best): It’s just a public profession of what already is there. They don’t think it will change anything.

Now, I won't argue whether marriage changes something or what importance to place on it. But for me it was like this:

I've lived in a lot of places since moving out of my parent's house.

I've rented a lot of apartments.

You wake up, you eat, sleep, you have routines in that place.

And it feels like home.

And when you buy a house, it's the same thing, really. You don't anticipate any change. You do the same things you always do.

Then you stand late at night in the living room and you think, "Mine. This is mine."

I submit that marriage is changing your rent into a mortgage. Even if you were in a 50-year-lease before, it's something exciting and new.

When I married my wife, when we left the beach where we got married, I looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both thought, "This is ours."

So maybe your mileage will vary on this. But please, do this: tonight, look into your partner's eyes, and in your mind, say "Mine." And say "Ours."'

And I'm sure you've done that very thing before. You may be doing it now. But I hope you feel even a fraction of that sudden rush we felt.

Welcome home.

7 Great First Dance Songs

Your first kiss as a married couple is definitely the defining moment of the wedding ceremony. But for the reception, the big deal is the first dance with your freshly-minted spouse. If there’s a song that means a lot to the two of you, definitely go with that (unless it’s Nikki Minaj’s “Anaconda.” Don’t want to shock Aunt Gertie). But if you find yourself looking for that perfect first dance song, here are seven to consider:

“If I Ain’t Got You,” Alicia Keys

This song has it all--lovey-dovey lyrics, a bouncy piano line, and some serious soul when the chorus kicks in. It has more of a groove to it than most ballads, so there can be some twirling if you’re into it.

Sample lyric: “Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all / if it ain’t you baby / if I ain’t got you baby.”

“Let’s Stay Together,” Al Green

There’s no denying the knock-down drag-out soul of Rev. Al Green, and the lyrics are a great match for kicking off a marriage. Just be aware that this one might fill up the dance floor; it’s got an undeniable get-up-and-sway beat.

Sample lyric: “Let’s stay together, lovin’ you whether times are good or bad, happy or sad.”

“Forever and Ever, Amen” Randy Travis

Lest you think we’re overly partial to soul ballads, here’s a lovely little two-steppin’ ditty from the peak of 90’s country. It’s a little bit corny, but not overly so, and there’s some genuine emotion in there.

Sample lyric: “They say time takes its toll on a body / makes a young girl’s brown hair turn gray / but I don’t care, I ain’t in love with your hair / if it all fell out, I’d love you anyway.”

“The Luckiest,” Ben Folds

If you want to make sure there’s not a dry eye in the house for your first dance, this quirky piano-driven ballad is definitely a tear-jerker. Nobody does plaintive like Ben Folds, and this one’s a doozy.

Sample lyric: “Where was I before the day I first saw your lovely face / Now I see it every day / And I know that I am the luckiest.”

“You Might Think,” the Cars

If you’d rather hop and bop instead of sway for your first dance, this bubbly 80’s new wave track is a great pick. It’s got sugary-sweet synthesizers, slightly nerdy lyrics, and a cool little breakdown in the middle.

Sample lyrics: “You might think it’s foolish, or maybe it’s untrue / you might think I’m crazy, but all I want is you.”

“Fly Me to the Moon,” Tony Bennett

Most couples who go for a crooner to start the reception go with Frank Sinatra and “The Way You Look Tonight.” But we’ve always been partial to this one--it simply soars, and by the last chorus your guests will be ready to get up and join you.

Lyrics: “Fill my heart with song and let me sing forever more / you are all I long for, all I worship and adore.”

“The Things We Said Today,” the Beatles

This song has a lovely dark, introspective tone. It makes for a nice pause to catch your breath before diving into your crazy reception dance party. And the lyrics couldn’t be more appropriate for a wedding.

“Someday, when we’re dreaming / deep in love, not a lot to say/ then we will remember the things we said today.”

Whether you want your first dance to be a romantic slow dance, sexy slow jam, or party-starting up-tempo number, one of these seven songs is sure to kick off your marriage right.

Four Romantic books for Pre-Wedding Inspiration

As you prepare for your wedding, take some time to immerse yourself in romance and really get into the spirit of your upcoming nuptials. Reading thoughts on love from the great writers of the ages is a wonderful way to get into the mindset. Here are a few of the most wonderful works about love that we know; complete with an excerpt to get you started.

The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The Little Prince is a lovely and strange little book, with plenty of astute observations about youth, old age, humanity, and the nature of imagination and creativity. There are plenty of enlightening thoughts about love in the mix as well.

Excerpt:

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte

Brontë’s titular heroine suffers much throughout the course of her novel, but by the end she finds comfort in the arms of the only man she ever truly loved: the dark and brooding Rochester. By the end of the novel, the two have been happily married for ten years.

Excerpt:

“I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you. You are my sympathy–my better self–my good angel–I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you–and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.”

Doctor Zhivago, Boris Pasternak

It’s difficult to sum up Pasternak’s sprawling epic--just a summary of the events involved could run over a thousand words. But central to the plot is Dr. Zhivago’s love for Lara, a spark that burns when they first meet, and drives them to be together when they meet again years later.

Excerpt:

““They loved each other, not driven by necessity, by the "blaze of passion" often falsely ascribed to love. They loved each other because everything around them willed it, the trees and the clouds and the sky over their heads and the earth under their feet.”

Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez

There is plenty of loss and yearning in Love in the Time of Cholera; it’s composed mainly of the main character’s aching after the woman he loves but can never be with. He waits fifty years to be with her, until finally they have a chance to find happiness together. Make sure you keep the tissues handy when you get to the final chapter.

Excerpt:

“Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore.”

4 Great TV Wedding Episodes

On the night before your wedding, as you’re fighting the last of the pre-nuptial jitters and trying to sleep, you’ll want something to take your mind off the big day to come. That’s when it’s time to watch some classic wedding episodes of your favorite TV shows. TV weddings tend to be the climax to years’ worth of build-up, and they frequently feature ceremonies where everything goes wrong but it turns out alright in the end. Which is a good thing to keep in mind as your ceremony starts--no matter how many little things go awry during your wedding, it can end up being as romantic as these.

Lily and Marshall, How I Met Your Mother (Se02Ep21)

Marshall and Lily are the steadfast, in-it-for-the-long-haul couple on How I Met Your Mother. It’s surprising it took them two full seasons to get to the altar. When they do finally hold their nuptials, their storybook wedding plan goes south pretty quickly: Marshall has a freak-out and shaves a patch of his hair; the florist doesn’t show; the photographer is replaced by a camera phone. Despite all the setbacks, Lily and Marshall manage to have both the small intimate wedding and the grandiose ceremony they each wanted.

Phoebe and Mike, Friends (Se10Ep12)

We always knew that Phoebe’s wedding to the equally quirky Mike would never be anything but unconventional. This episode doesn’t skimp on the whimsy--prevented from getting to their wedding venue by a blizzard, Phoebe and Mike end up celebrating their nuptials on the sidewalk in front of Central Perk, with a dog for a groomsman and Joey standing in for the officiant. It’s off-kilter and strange, but sweet--much like Phoebe herself.

Alex and Izzie/Meredith and Derek, Grey’s Anatomy (Se5Ep21)

Grey’s anatomy gives us two romantic tales for the price of one: terminally ill Izzie is planning Meredith and Derek’s wedding to be the fairy-tale extravaganza she always wanted, while Meredith and Derek secretly conspire to have Izzie walk down the aisle with Alex. While Izzie and Alex get their elaborate wedding, Derek and Meredith exchange vows on Post-It notes. Everyone gets what they want--at least temporarily--which is rare for Grey’s Anatomy’s usual melodrama.

Turk and Carla, Scrubs, (Se03Ep22)

Fans of Scrubs always knew that Turk would get married--but they had assumed it would be to J.D., his “bro-mantic” partner of three seasons. But Turk and J.D. were not to be--their friendship transcends a mere marriage--instead, Turk walked down the aisle with girlfriend Carla. This episode is memorable for having the groom completely miss the wedding, because he’s doing an appendectomy and complications with the procedure make him late to the church. Fortunately, his patient is a priest, and marries Turk and Carla after the reception and before the honeymoon.

There are plenty of other great wedding episodes out there if you’re still feeling those jitters after these four. Every show from Boy Meets World to Sex and the City to Full House feature weddings to make you laugh, cry, and be glad that yours is likely to go far more smoothly than its televised counterparts.